Nancy: I feel like I’m not being acknowledged enough. I don’t feel heard by the people around me.
Brianne: Be glad that your situation isn’t as bad as Stacy’s. She was pushed into a non-consensual marriage.
Kayla: I can understand your angst, Nancy. It must feel terrible to not be heard and understood by your family.
In this example, we can see that both Brianne and Kayla are trying to make Nancy feel better about her situation. But they opt for two different ways of doing it. Brianne tries to deflate Nancy’s emotions, by mentioning the “bigger plight” of someone else.
On the other hand, Kayla tries to acknowledge Nancy’s emotions and empathize with her emotional distress.
Here, who’s trying to be the better active listener?
What Is Active Listening?
One of the most crucial aspects of communication is listening. Listening is the fundamental process of interaction that precedes and determines a series of other processes that make communication a smooth ride.
Active listening is to acknowledge and understand the verbal and non-verbal content of the speaker’s message and the feelings behind it. Active listening involves listening and responding with empathy. It doesn’t just mean repeating what the speaker says but also understanding the content and the feelings behind the message conveyed.
In the previous example, we can observe that Kayla actively listens to Nancy without disregarding her feelings and responds with the utmost respect.
Based on the unanimous agreement of scholars, active listening comprises three important elements.
- To show interest in what the speaker says by giving non-verbal acknowledgment cues.
- To avoid being judgmental and paraphrasing the speaker’s statements.
- To ask questions to the speaker and encourage them to elaborate on their experiences.
Active Listening – History
In the year 1957, Carl Rogers and his associate Richard Farson, who are some of the leading American psychologists, coined the term active listening. This concept was initially devised as one of the therapeutic conditions of a counseling setting.
Later, Thomas Gordon who was an American clinical psychologist promoted active listening by incorporating it into his P-E-T (Parent-Effectiveness-Training) technique in the year 1962. After this, Gordon and Rogers went on to work as associates in further developing the concept of active listening.
Steps Involved In The Active Listening Process
- Step 1- Pay attention: The first and the most crucial step in listening actively to someone, is to genuinely lend your ears. Pay close attention to the verbal content, body language, vocal intonations, gestures and other subtle cues to understand what the person intends to communicate.
Lend them your undivided attention and give them an ear of non-judgment to accurately grab the sender’s information. - Step 2 – Be in sync: Let them know that you are fully present with them and are actively taking in the information they spill, by showing verbal and bodily cues of acknowledgment. Frequent nodding of the head, maintaining a good amount of eye contact, facing your body towards the other person, using verbal responses like “Hmm”, “Yes”, and “Right” are some of how you could assure them of your attention.
- Step 3 – Paraphrasing: To let the other person that you are listening, to repeat their statements in your own words, in a way you understood. This ensures that you are clear about what they said.
- Step 4 – Provide feedback: Give them objective feedback by sharing your thoughts and opinions about their situation. Share insights, personal stories, observations, etc to help them view their situation through the lens of objectivity. You can also ask them relevant questions to help them gain perspective and to broaden your understanding of their position.
- Step 5 – Shower validation: Express your heartfelt empathy and positive regard to the person on the other side as it would help them achieve a sense of validation. Let them know that their feelings are legitimate, and they are free to feel and express their emotions.
- Step 6 – Respond appropriately: Sometimes, all a person is looking for is a space to vent and seek validation. It would be counter-effective if they are bombarded with solutions and advice. On the other hand, sometimes they may openly seek beneficial suggestions and solutions. Therefore, it is essential to understand the needs of the speaker first to provide them with the type of support that is of utmost benefit.
What Are The Functions Of Active Listening?
Active listening actively fulfills certain essential functions during communication.
- One of the most important functions of active listening is to check our understanding of what the speaker narrated. This allows for clarifying and correcting any misunderstandings.
- Through active listening, the listener acknowledges the emotions behind the speaker’s experiences. In the earlier example, Kayla was more accepting of Nancy’s emotions in comparison to Brianne with the use of active listening.
- It also gives the speaker the space to explore the feelings and emotions behind their experiences.
Effectiveness Of Active Listening In Communication
Since the time of its conception, various studies have been conducted that support the effectiveness of active listening. In a study conducted by researchers Gearhart and Bodie in the year 2011, they concluded that there is a positive relationship between active listening and social sensitivity, emotional sensitivity, social control and social expression. It was also found that customers rated sales professionals based on their listening skills.
To add to these, in an organizational study conducted in Japan it was reported that those employees under supervisors who engaged in active listening discussions were likely to experience lower levels of psychological stress.
Active listening demonstrates empathy and understanding between two individuals and can give room for both parties to have meaningful conversations thereby diminishing levels of stress.
In terms of relationships, a study reveals that active listening positively influenced problem-solving, relationship stability and perceived resolvability of any issue. And it is negatively correlated with intrusive thoughts during arguments.
Techniques To Enhance Active Listening
- Paraphrase the speaker’s statements: paraphrasing is to repeat what the speaker said in one’s own words of understanding. This enables in-depth comprehension of the speaker’s message and feelings. Paraphrasing is usually done to avoid misinterpretations and to gain clarity in a message. However, it should not be overdone as only a part of the statement requires paraphrasing.
We can notice that Kayla from the previous example uses the appropriate amount of paraphrasing to get her clear and to give room for Nancy to elaborate more on her grievance. - Comprehension: Comprehension ultimately decides the response a speaker would receive. Even if takes time, the listener should make sure they have comprehended the message of the speaker well and also the latent feelings attached to it.
- Express understanding of the speaker’s feelings: Repeat the speaker’s emotions back to them. A statement like “that must’ve felt terrible” helps the speaker to objectively view their own emotions and elaborate more on them.
- Ask questions: Asking questions during conversation reflects the interest of the listener towards the conveyer’s content. This generates a feeling of being heard. However, the intention behind asking questions is only to provide emotional support for the speaker and not to pry or challenge them in any way.
- Stay with their emotions: An important tenet of active listening is to validate the emotions of the speaker. Brianne from the early example tried to disregard Nancy’s feelings by talking about someone who has had it “worse”. This indirectly implies that “you’re blowing up something way out of proportion”. This is not the right way to respond to someone. Rather, the listener should empathize with and respect the speaker’s emotional experiences.
- Give a response without judgment: When responding to the speaker, it is essential to avoid passing judgmental remarks. People come from different backgrounds and life experiences and expecting them to have the same ideals as the self is unrealistic. Hence, the response should be structured in such a way that it is respectful and kind although it may not line with one’s values.
Active Listening Self-Evaluation
Readers can self-evaluate their listening skills by answering the following questions.
1. I multitask and do other chores while listening to someone talk about something.
- Always
- Often
- Sometimes
- Rarely
- Never
2. While listening to someone express, I keep thinking of what to say next and my points in the argument instead of just receiving the message.
- Always
- Often
- Sometimes
- Rarely
- Never
3. When listening to the speaker I make eye contact and nod if I agree with them.
- Always
- Often
- Sometimes
- Rarely
- Never
4. I don’t pay much attention to how the speaker is feeling when talking about topics that are sensitive to them.
- Always
- Often
- Sometimes
- Rarely
- Never
5. I tend to rephrase and summarise what the speaker says to make sure I understood the message.
- Always
- Often
- Sometimes
- Rarely
- Never
6. I ask the speaker to repeat or elaborate more if I haven’t understood their message.
- Always
- Often
- Sometimes
- Rarely
- Never
7. I wait for the speaker to finish before I can interject my opinions about their situation.
- Always
- Often
- Sometimes
- Rarely
- Never
So, I hope you have self-estimated your listening skill. You came to know where you are lagging. Right? Now continue reading and do practice daily for better improvement.
Tips To Practice Listening Skills
- Make eye contact as it makes an impression that you are attentively listening to the person.
- Listening with the intention of understanding and not arguing.
- Avoid rushing into forming conclusions and solutions.
- Try to be sensitive to the speaker’s feelings.
- Avoid labeling and blaming.
- Ask the speaker to repeat or elaborate if you haven’t understood.
- Summarize and rephrase to make sure you have understood their message entirely.
- Focus on the conversation; train your mind not to be distracted.
- Listen to the entire message and then give your opinion. Avoid interrupting while the speaker is speaking.
- Observe non-verbal cues to get a deeper understanding of the feelings related to the message.